


Alone Alone Alone

by giventothewhite (FYWC)



Category: The Maccabees
Genre: Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:59:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/pseuds/giventothewhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe Orlando and his pen are not as alone as he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone Alone Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whiteherewhitenow (FYWC)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/gifts).



Orlando sat alone in the darkened room. His heavy head was supported by his hands and his fingertips could feel his wet cheeks. He was disappointed in himself. He had sworn himself that he wouldn’t cry, he had sworn he wouldn’t give Robert up.

Now his former best friend and lover was gone and had left a mess in Orlando’s head behind.

The doctors had said that he could write to Robert. No visits and no calls in the first three months, but writing was okay.

If only Orlando knew that to write. Words had never been his strongest point. He preferred pictures, sketches, illustrations.

Staring at the empty paper in front of him and at his shaky fingers, Orlando desperately longed for a cigarette. But he couldn’t give in, he needed to be strong for Robert. If Orlando could say no to the drugs, his friend could do so, too. Or that was what Orlando liked to think.

To distract his fingers from their desire to fumble for his pack of cigs and a lighter, he enforced his grip around the pen and started to write the letter.

 

_Dear friend of mine_

_Has broken his union_

_Broke from tradition_

_Broken his vision of the future_

 

Writing this Orlando realised that Rob’s absence had not only caused a mess in his head and heart but also in his whole life. In all of their lives.

For Felix, Hugo and Rupert the future was unclear. The band was all they had after they had dropped out of University and now the band had lost their drummer. Rob had torn a big ugly hole in the band that would digest them all until there was nothing left. The worst thing was that this process had started long ago, even before Robert had to go into rehab, they just hadn’t noticed the sign.

Orlando thought back to all the dreams he and Rob had shared, what they had wanted to achieve and change with their music. He hated himself for not having noticed that Robert’s vision of the future had been blurred by the drugs. The next fix, the next drag, that was all Robert had cared about in the end. He had broken the band.

Tears filled Orlando’s eyes again and he tore out the page angrily as his teardrops smudged the ink.

It wasn’t right to to blame Rob and his addiction. Why hadn’t the rest of the band noticed or said anything? They had played blind, too, and left Orlando alone with the burden of knowing that Rob needed help.

Realising this Orlando felt more alone than he had ever in his life. No one had been there to help him back then and no one was there to help him deal with his guilt now. He had left Robert alone and was punished with being left alone by his own friends.

But a small voice in the back of Orlando’s head reminded him that this was not true. In fact, Felix had been the first one to approach Orlando to talk to him about Rob’s drug addiction. Back then Orlando had laughed it off and lit himself a new spliff. He remembered Felix’s worried look clearly and how he had told Felix to loosen up and stop worrying about everything. That memory sent a warm wave through Orlando’s body. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t the only one to blame. Felix cared about their band so much, cared about Orlando, Rupert, Rob and of course his little brother Hugo so much that he would do everything for them. Inspired and motivated by Felix’s love, Orlando took out a new page and started again.

 

_Dear friend of mine_

_Is tempting disaster_

_Testing water with another’s daughter_

 

Again Orlando had to stop writing. It didn’t feel right. He couldn’t blame Robert for taking all kinds of drugs because he himself hadn’t been any better. They had wanted to explore their minds, leave reality behind and get inspired for new songs and art. They had always been aware of the danger they were putting themselves in because that had been the point of it all. But while Orlando’s aim always had been to go further and further and explore the deepest corners in his mind, Robert’s only goal had been to hit rock bottom, to completely destroy himself. This was something Orlando had only realised when it was already too late.

He had thought Robert was his best friend, his love, his soulmate, that they would do everything together for the same reasons.

It probably had been that way until Rob had met a crazy woman called Lizzy who had been to prison twice already and who brought Robert new drugs every day. For some reason that girl hadn’t liked Orlando, probably because she had wanted Rob all for her own.

More and more Orlando had found himself alone, alone at home while Robert was testing new drugs with Lizzy. In retrospect maybe that was what had saved Orlando from sharing a ward room with Robert. He had been alone with no one to pressure him into trying out more exotic drugs.

Instead there was Felix, who dropped by from time to time and took Orlando’s stuff away and cooked him meals that Orlando never touched.

The thought was uplifting. All the time Orlando had thought that he was alone because Rob had left him, chosen someone else over him, but Felix had been there for him. The older man had just been too blind to notice his friend quietly taking care of him.

So Orlando started for a third time.

 

_Dear friend of mine_

_My ear is bending_

_I’m not helping, I’m not telling_

_I’m not solving, I’m not saying you’re all pretending_

 

Orlando stared at the four lines and clutched his pen angrily. This wasn’t right, he should stop blaming Robert for what had happened. Or Lizzy. He hadn’t been there for them like Felix had been there for him. Felix’s gentle hands that had taken the spliff out of his hands and replaced it with a pencil. Why had Orlando just stood by instead of replacing the needle in Robert’s hand with his drumstick? Why hadn’t he helped his friend when his need was the greatest?

But no, Orlando had been no help to Robert.

Disappointed in himself he tore the paper to shreds again. He hadn’t even told anyone about Robert’s issue. They could have solved that problem together. But he had just played along like everyone else and pretended that everything was fine.

Now as the result of all if this shameful behaviour they had lost their friend and their drummer. Consequently they had also lost their band and their future. Just because they were all too proud or too fucking afraid to say out loud what they all knew anyway. That Robert was a mess because of the drugs and that this would be their pre-determined breaking-point in their young band history.

Hugo had always joked that they would never end up like The Libertines but that was what had happened, really, without anyone stopping it.

The only one who had ever dared to openly speak about this issue had been Felix who had been genuinely worried about all of them. Knowing this made Orlando feel a little bit better. He hadn’t been alone with his worries and fears, Felix had felt them, too.

 

_Dear friend of mine_

_Is helpless without helping_

_Healed without scap or scar_

_New union found him alone_

 

The next attempt to write down his feelings about Robert’s departure didn’t feel right to Orlando either. He couldn’t, but needed so badly to accept that Robert needed professional help and that this wasn’t Orlando’s fault. Just like it wasn’t Orlando’s job to magically cure his friend or help him battle and win against his addiction.

Instead Orlando should take care of his own health, something he only remembered existed because of Felix. Meanwhile he could wait for Robert to come back to them after he would leave rehab. Robert would be a better man then and no one would remember the dark times.

Orlando clenched his fist at this thought. It was only wishful thinking. Their emotional and creative bond was forever ruined and it was very unlikely that the others would wait for their ex-drummer.

They had said goodbye to Robert long ago.

Orlando laughed cynically to himself and the tears started to form in his eyes again. Robert had been known and loved by everyone. The drummer had always been surrounded by people that wanted to share drugs with him. Now he was all alone in a sterile hospital or ward room, staring at the ceiling and feeling nothing but loneliness. Not even Orlando’s letter would be able to reach him where his mind was now. All was lost.

With the tears streaming down his face Orlando grabbed the ripped papers and threw them all into the bin. He stood up and walked over to his bed on shaky legs. Curling up in a fetal position he tried to hug himself to keep himself warm and not let the icy atmosphere take over his body.

His mind started to play tricks on him and he suddenly saw himself in a typical ward cell with nothing but a bed in it. Through a small window he could see all his friends outside but no one cared for him.

Orlando cried silently. The only proof of his tears were the wet spots on his bed linen. No sounds left his mouth but his whole body was shaking and the liquid that dribbled down his cheeks left a salty taste on his lips.

Locked in this nightmare Orlando didn’t notice how someone gently opened the door and a ray of light fell into the dark room. He barely registered someone sitting down on his bed.

Then he felt a hand softly stroking over his shoulders and drying off the tears on his cheeks. The person lay down behind Orlando and put an arm around Orlando’s waist. Protected by this person Orlando eased up a little and his sobs became less frequent.

He could sense the other person looking around the room and then staring at the reminders of Orlando’s letter attempts lying around the bin.

“You know what Dad always says, Land? He says, if you got no kind words to say, you should say nothing more at all. You don’t have to say anything, Orlando, you don’t have to explain yourself! You don’t owe anything to anyone, understood? The only thing that matters is your own health and well-being! Your only job is to lie here in my arms and sleep. Carry no weight, Orlando, let the weight carry you! But if it helps you, you could put your feelings in a song and we could use them as lyrics?”

 

“Thank you, Felix. For everything. Please, don’t ever leave me,” Orlando whispered into the darkness.

“I could never, Orlando. I belong to your side. Now, sleep…”


End file.
